I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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