The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The adults are the big ones right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
