My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
