I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
