she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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