when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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