dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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