Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
