On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
