As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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