I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
