I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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