Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
