Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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