you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
