Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
