Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
