life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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