Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
