the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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