I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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