Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
