Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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