peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
