I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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