Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
