Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
