I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
