So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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