Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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