Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
