Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
