I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
