No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
