On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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