You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
