So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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