This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
