Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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