And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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