So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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