there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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