why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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