shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
