Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
