Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
