My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
