just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
