so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
we made out on top of his cat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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