Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
