So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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