So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
