I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
