So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
