I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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