Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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