New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
