remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Randomize
