Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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