you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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