JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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